Logical Harm

Im having an odd week. you know how when you feel in sync with the universe and everything just flows? but at the same time when you feel out of sync with the universe and everything is going wrong?

I’m feeling hopeless, and Im sure i’m not alone. the whole virus panic pandemic thing is wearing down everyone. i’m at a dead end job that pays me pennies, but I should be grateful I have a job because a lot of people were recently laid off of work because of the coronavirus. but they pay me pennies. my family puts me last and I am an after thought to many friends. work is stressful, too stressful for just pennies. I have a cough that hopefully will go away. i’m playing it safer this week than I did the entire March.

I’m making progress and making friends that are loving an intensely loyal. I shifted into the light. I’m grateful for the new connections I have. I have a roommate that wears me down as well, they’re insecure jealous and paranoid. its like talking to a wall whenever I interact with them.

I get paid pennies so I can’t record music with hot producers, I can’t book trips for the fall, and my braces (orthodontics) and nose reduction is on hold. as well as finding my dermatologist. I needed all fo this to happen fast for me. I want it all and I want it now. Im trying to be more solution based, and pull myself out of funks. I am getting better, I trained myself. now I bounce back quicker and quicker, every time.

hope this is a temporary funk.

the new order mondays

feeling a frenzy. just feeling weird. quarantine going like i’m missing a limb. time is less structured. time bleeds into pools. large expanses. when you have too much of something it’s no longer a luxury, it becomes something else. it’s becoming excessive and so we waste and waste. and grow forgetful. cause we’re empty for something else. my body misses roaming. I found my passport.

spent my weekend with a wilding. I don’t want to like her, but she’s part of my nature so it’s feeling inevitable. i’m composed and aloof. grounded, logical. why is this so natural. relaxed. I feel full with her. and I miss nothing. a cancer rising and a scorpio rising. a scorpio sun and a pisces sun, meshing, vibing. its easy and it makes sense. but she doesn’t want it. she just broke up with her gf of 2 years. she’s so metaphysical and it fascinates me. flurry of emotions, like i’m witnessing a play unravel. her eyes are always sleepy and half gone. sometimes magic. she’s insane and magic. not fitting a structure, just kind of bleeding blurring lines. on another plane. in her eyes I searched for her. like trying to materialize a dream. you know it happened but you have only fragments of its memory.

we watched horror movies and some comedy show. my favorite things. and listened to music. all of her pickings. in my room. in my bed. I got to forgot about coronavirus and my family woes, and my friend woes, and work woes. I didn’t miss anything.

it’s so addictive, being in a relationship and sleeping next to someone all the time. when its gone its hard to process and